Trying to get underneath my possible motivations for meditating.

Is it to be a good – as in more ethical – person? Not sure, but doesn’t feel very strong if i’m honest.

It’s probably got something self-serving at the bottom of it. Meaning: i want something for myself which will make this “myself” feel better; better about itself/me, and better about being in the world, being alive still.

I suppose there’s an element of curiosity there too; I’m curious to know, to find out, more about myself. I want to delve into my depths. I want to explore the psyche that appears to be me in a psychological way, an experiential way.

There is also a transformation agenda going on.

I’m bored with the patterns of behaviour i’ve been run around all my life; ignorantly repeating the same small “stuff”, mindlessly repeating myself around the same loops of small thought. I want to break out of the narrow traps that got set to catch me and condition me as a kid.

Yes, i don’t want to be caught. I don’t want to feel trapped small and helpless inside – like it always used to feel when i was a kid.

Cultivating Awareness (with a capital A) is my way of feeling less powerless, less helpless, less trapped.

Awareness makes me feel big. More Awareness makes me feel bigger. But not in a big-headed or self-important way.

Self-enlargement and self (re) invention – yes; they feel like possible motives behind what’s keeping me on this meditation malarkey.

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