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I think what i had yesterday was a “little epiphany”.
Everybody is after their own little epiphanies these days.
At one time they were probably only under the provenance of saints or popes; the revelatory experiences of monkish mystics and great seers.
So Big Epiphany like Great Revelation. Or like Enlightenment.
Only, i don’t feel greatly enlightened today. Or mind-blowingly liberated
So that’s why its best to call it a “little” epiphany”. The size and sort of epiphany that is allowed for little me to have.
A kind of everyday epiphany.
The kind you could get from Pound shopper. Lol.
I’m doing paying attention meditation. Which means that whatever is present is greeted with an outstretched hand, not disregarded or ignored; given an equal amount of respect.
Theoretically that is.
But some of the stuff trolling through consciousness isn’t worth being respectful of.
It’s just too ridiculous for words.
So i give it the finger. Lol
Been missing the odd day here and there in the last week. As if i were having “time off”.
Which is crazy!
Cus meditating is my “time on”
The time when i’m really “on”.
And possibly the only time when i’m really on.
So get back “on” that cushion Mr Nisbet!
I’m still continuing this “questioning” focus.
Yesterday i was asking “Why me”? Last week i was asking “What is this?”
What could i ask this morning?
What about “Why is this “Monday”?
So i asked “Why is this Monday”?
And of course, on a deep fundamental level – it isn’t. Monday doesn’t exist.
Mindfulness doesn’t do Monday. Mindfulness extinguishes Monday.
Great! Lol
There’s a spirit of “play” in this ?
Playing with words is what you’re left with (after you’ve given up on playing with ideas of what what is and what is is and what this this is etc)
A curious imp is in me. A word mishchief. That makes me go all wordchievous.
I sit here for 20 minutes playing with words. Bouncing one word next to another. Bouncing words together. Lobbing words over the fence of definition. Drop shotting words into the open court of meaninglessness.
My me mind is doing all of this. I feel engaged by “this” game of language. Entertained.
I don’t know if you could call this meditation.
But there’s a lot of what in this is. It could go on forever.
This blog may never return to Mindfulness ever again!
Questioning slips into doubting.
Doubting slides into being sceptical.
And i like ending up in scepticism.
Scepticism is my default philosophical position of choice.
So that ? mark has a little boot at the bottom of it.
Ready to kick “this” up its “is”.
Boot “what” up its not.
Take the ” is” out of piss. Lol
Ps – is what it leaves you with.
I’m not sitting every day these last couple of weeks. I’m finding excuses not too: too cold, not in the mood, too tired etc.
I’ve had little slumps like this before over the last 18 months.
But i always seem to come back after I’ve given myself a good talking to.
I’m in need of giving myself a good talking to now.
Not a telling off. But a “good” talking to. So as to re-ignite my “good” motivation for meditation.
Not coerce my mind back into mindfulness – but coax it gently with sweet words of loving kindness…. Lol
Is what Goenka would be intoning on these taped video talks.
He looked and sounded like a fat frog sat on a toadstool.
He’d croak out, “Refrain from sleeping in cozy beds!”. The way he said that “cozy” made it sound very inviting. Lol.
Very unintentionally funny was Goenka – but totally sincere about wanting to bring Vipassana practice to the West. No money was involved. You donated – money, service, time, etc – what you could afford, or felt willing to give.
And even now, 22 years later, i can still hear his froggy voice gently coaxing us on: “You have to dollop your desperation” he’d croak , “With a caaalm and quiet mind”.
That’s what this meditating i do is: it’s about dolloping my desperation (“developing my respiration” in other words)
Extraordinarily cold in the last few days. Sub zero temperatures. Too cold to get out of bed and immediately begin sitting, shivering on the cushion. Need to unfreeze up a bit first.
So sitting later on when will is warm enough.
Sat with the orange blanket wrapped tight around me. Such a faithful friend this orange blanket. I disappear into it. Withdraw willingly into its warm, comforting, folds.
Have an “at one” with blanket moment. I become blanket-like. I am blanketted.
And my mind becomes a blanket too. Kind of blank. Not an emptiness of mind blank. But a blanket blank.
A blanketty blank. Lol.
Yes, i was a lazy bones today. I was feeling apathetic while sitting. But i was aware of the apathy.
Awareness was lying there inside my lazy bed of apathy, snuggling down with it.
I wrapped the arms of my awareness around my apathy like a cozy friend. I cuddled myself lazy. I hugged myself lazier.
My lazy was a lazy slobby slob. And yet with this friendly touch of awareness around it. An awareness willing to get slobby too. An awareness with slobby joggy jog pants on.
Shared together with awareness the lazy got doubled. And didn’t feel so bad after all. All it was was just lazy.
Being my laziest was not hard work at all.
Lazy has a right to exist too. Lol
