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There are different experiences of empty.
Empty that is like vacant; the mediocre withdrawal into mindlessness and meaninglessness.
Empty that feels redundant, like an absence of energy, interest, vitality.
Then there is empty like the empty i experienced this morning while sitting:
The empty of Full Being.
Being full of Being
Nascent with Now
Fizzing with, tingling with
Expansive, exponential, Emptiness.
Is always sufficient.
If i let it.
Be.
Present.
Fully.
Am i keeping or losing the moment?
I suppose through meditation i like to think of myself as a “keeper” of the moment – as in, I’m “minding” the moment, a kind of care-taker of the moment.
But of course i can’t “keep” the moment. I can’t have “it” as if it were a thing to possess. Even though i might like to make moments linger sometimes – especially the likeable moments – they have to go, have to be let go of.
I have to allow moments to get lost.
So i’m both a keeper of and a loser of every moment that passes by.
That i lived.
Like hundreds of other Sunday mornings.
That i lived.
That have been long forgotten of already.
But this one lives. I’m aware that it lives.
Even if only for this 20 minutes in which i’m breathing. Breathing Sunday morning in, breathing Sunday morning out.
You lovely Sunday morning you.
You can fall out of now into the other side of ordinary.
Into a kind of nowness that feels saturated with suchness – into something extra-ordinary.
Like what just happened to me this morning.
I was sitting there, being usual me, being my ordinary breath, being my normal now.
And then – Bang!
Normal now exploded.
Scattered into a million pieces.
Of timelessness.
A lovely weekend with K.
A kind of Last Hurrah feeling to it.
When you feel the lastness in everything
it gives life such poignancy.
The poignancy feels so acute it almost hurts. It pricks your veins awake, makes your blood ache
with a kind of longing
for everything to last
and continue beyond its lastness
still lingering on
for that little bit longer.
Yet another great day out to Roscoff on the ferry yesterday.
And as in London, i intended what i got.
What i was putting out – open-hearted awareness – i was getting back: as enjoyment, delight, lovely, happiness, joy.
It’s all about Being.
Being in love with being.
Which is tantamount to being in love – with life.
And in Roscoff yesterday, there was so much lovely life to love
Great trip to Newquay Zoo today.
Delight was in me. I was in Joy.
So this is what all the work i’ve been putting into Loving Kindness practise brings me!
I felt very loved up, inclining kindness everywhere.
My heart wide-open.
Life at its best: unstoppable, irresistable.
My meditation lately is not so breath-focused as it has been. More free-floating.
Free to be with whatever comes, paying attention. Not analysing or over-indulging with thought about it. Not buying into doing a running commentary.
But paying attention. Attending. Being in attendance. Being there, being with, being here.
And now it’s this moment. And now it’s this moment. And now it’s this moment.
I make these moments full (or empty) with Attention.
I’m a little moment-maker. Lol
That Quality Control button was definitely switched on this afternoon.
I was down on The Hoe in Plymouth meeting a lad to be mentored.
The sun was sparkling in The Sound. Sailing boats were flapping in the bright breeze. Gulls were hooping and swooping joyfully about as if on long invisible pieces of string.
And then i went down to Captain Jaspers to have a delicious bacon buttie (the lad had one too)
When the whole of life feels and tastes like a delicious bacon button, well
- you know your Quality Control button is on. Lol.
